"...Maybe I can wash it all away."

"Let's take a walk along the damn river...jump in and go for a swim. Maybe I can wash it all away."


Remorse and Love. Do these two terms go hand in hand? Do I have to apologize for showing my love and affection towards someone, something, or nothing at all? I don't understand the problem. Is there even a problem? They think it's a joke. They think it's not real. Everything is just a lie, is it not? Well, it isn't. I did not lie about it. I know what I was doing, and I know the reason is right. How can someone understand something that they do not know. We are close, but we are not one. We have different judgments, but can you not let it go? Can you not let me go? What is so wrong? I want to take it all back. I want to wash it all away. But that is just a thought, because I do not live to be regretful. I am sorry for anything, but I regret nothing. Please understand. If not, then I guess...tough luck, the world is fucked.  

Guilt.

I am an ordinary person, an ordinary girl. Life gets hard, and gives me shit. Then, there are days when I get difficult and screw up another person's day. And you know what's the worse part? I don't care if I screwed up a stranger's day...I really don't. But it hurts when I tell something horrible to someone that I care so much about. Really, it is an odd feeling. I have been hiding it, but I don't know where it comes from. There's a moment of relief when I let it all out, but I learn to regret it. It is not easy to be honest. But I did it...I am honest now...too bad that it does not fix a damn thing. It does not straighten me up. It does not tell me what to do. It just worries me more and more. This is like a scab that I itch to pick, but every time when I do, it just bleeds and bleeds. I screwed up. I always screw up.

Finals

It's the end of the semester...the end of my grades. This week has been crazy busy and intense for me (and everyone else that has finals). Every year, this is my most favorite and most hated week of the year. There's an inexplainable type of excitement and fear mixed in my feelings. Well, I can explain where the fear comes from (failing grades), but excitement? I really don't know.
I feel as if the older I get, the less intellectual I become. Maybe it is because my brain is somewhere else...Maybe I don't think about books anymore. Too much for me to handle? But that's okay. Even if it is too much, I have a clean slate now. There are things in life where you do not have second chances. And even if you did, it is not like how things started out as. Grades are different. The end of one semester is different. It is a gift, a  "pure" second chance that life hands to you. I guess that is why final's week is my favorite.

Reason 1

Mmmm, I feel like talking about my boyfriend right now. Well, we're pretty ordinary people if you want to look at us simply. But, beneath that simplicity, I see a long history and mixed feelings. Haha, mixed feelings. To be honest, on some days I question exactly how much do I like Alex? I always feel like I could do better, like him more...Or at least be sure of why or how much I like him. I can't, for some odd reason, I just can't put my finger on one solid answer.
Now, it kind of sounds like I don't like Alex THAT much...(hahaha, that's what I wonder too), but it's not what it seems. I like him a lot, in fact, I think I love him (ya think?? Waddya mean?...idk get outta here if you're not Alex). There are so many memories that involve Alex, and it would be horrible if I had to re-live those moments again, but alone. That would really hurt...it would almost be like, "Hey, you little douche, remember that great friend, that great bf that you had when you guys came here on that day to....? Yeah, him, where'd he go?" XD
Without Alex, my life would bore me to death. I cannot imagine not texting him for...a week @_@ That just seems impossible to do. And, I think because I was so angry, I would have broken my toilet seat off of my toilet today if I didn't talk to Alex. You see, Alex has the magical ability to calm me down when I'm like a mad woman...I guess that's one reason why I love him so much. <3

A New Year, A New Plan.

I don't like to call my new year's goals "resolutions." I never make up these "resolutions" on the first day of the new year...simply because I have no idea how the year is going to unfold. Making up the rules or plans as I go is how I do it. Like some others out there, I like to plan. I plan as I go. I go as I plan. I plan then I follow. I don't follow my plans. Then, I find a new plan to plan. Plans are like boyfriends or girlfriends if you'd like to think of it that way. Once you grow out of it (grow out of each other's love), you find a new one to mend with (find someone else to share your days with).
Everything takes getting used to. Bf/Gf, or plans, or moving to a new place, it all takes getting used to. It takes time to know and love or appreciate all of that. Following new plans takes even more time to get used to. Most of the time, I fail to get over the fact that I HAVE to change myself...change my schedule...and ways of seeing things, and that's why I give up on it.
Well, I don't have much in mind for this year...(at least in my opinion). And I don't know if it's too late to state my "resolutions," but here's a short list:
1. Have at least a GPA of 4.5
2. Read at least 1 book in two weeks
3. Practice the piano at least
4. Sleep earlier
5. Keep a boyfriend for at least 1 year