Reason 2

It's a depressing night...but life goes on. If you guys can recall, last year, I wrote a blog called "Reason 1"...but then, I never wrote a "Reason 2" blog. LOL

A year ago, I was all jolly about having a boyfriend and wrote a blog about him every other month. Crazy, I know. Recently, those happy posts have slowed down quite a bit. XD But you see, though my relationship isn't necessarily perfect right now, I still love him. I know I question his love at times, but I know that no other boy can love me better than he does. When I see him, I find a certain type of comfort that I can't find anywhere else. It's those warm feelings that catch me by surprise at times that keep me loving him. I have no idea why I get those feelings, but it's definitely my heart aching to love him when my mind is rooting to give up. Tough love, isn't it? But it works.

Letter to K

Hey K,

       I remember the first time I ever wrote a letter to you was in 4th grade, when we met on the playground. We became "pen pals" for a while, haha...then of course we grew out of that. But, guess what, this letter's for you...brings back those childhood memories doesn't it? Well, just 24 hours ago, we were on the phone crying together and even planned to meet up next Sunday. Remember? I naively thought you'd pull through because of your tough nature. I can't exactly agree with the decision you made tonight, but I'm proud of you because you proved to be the toughest of us all. Anyone can say that they've been in love before and had their heart broken, but not everyone can say they died for love. My precious K, where are you now? We're all crying for you to come back. You know, you didn't have to leave us all. We could have gone to Starbuck's next Sunday, watch the Hunger Games, and grab ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Baskin Robbins was our favorite ice cream place, remember? 

        K, I hope that you're no longer crying anymore. Your tears are too precious to be shed for someone that's worth less than dirt. Just know that your family loved you more than anything, I treasured every moment spent with you, it breaks our hearts to know that we never got our last chance to see you, and your disappearance from this life with haunt him forever. Good job K, we love you forever. 

With love, 

Loren 

Enough.

        I don't know how I should feel or what to think. I don't know who to talk to in my quest to seek the answers that I'm looking for. Things have settled this way for too long that it seems as if nothing is wrong. But for some reason it doesn't feel all that right either. Let it be that we all live in a cycle that repeats itself every so often, but sadness should come and go. Sadness only greets me and never bids farewell. Depression finds a new home in the cavity of my heart and takes over. The sunshine can't shine through my heavy blinds and the warmth outside can't seep through the walls of my house and reach me.
        The one thing that I wish for, of course it would be the only thing that I cannot get. Maybe I'm too selfish and fail to see the other side of this situation. Maybe I've had enough that I'm finally broken now and can't be fixed. If this is me hitting rock bottom because of love, then let it be gone. I don't want to live in fear of losing someone I care for, in suspicion, and in these tears that come along too often. I hate how I've become, overly worried, and clingy. Reminiscing about our past breaks my heart. Four months. Four months since I've started  to fall and fall and fall effortlessly into this dark hole dug so deep under the layers of happiness. I learned that love cannot be shared. And if it is, then it's no longer pure.