...

Mad. Because I cannot figure someone out. Mad. Because I lost the feeling. Mad. Because things are different now. I have a feeling that I am losing myself, my mind...as if I'm over thinking something that was meant to be simple. If I fall too hard, no one is to be blamed except for me. Forever silly, that's who I am.

Life in Rewind

August 7th, 2011

I woke up. Ate some breakfast. Found that my golden koi was dead. Oh well. All things come to an end. 

August 6th, 2011

OMG! I get to work at Lolla! That means I get to listen to the artists for free! -Happy Dance- ...Yeah, well, I also have to be under the sun for at least 6 hours...get fruit juice splashed on me, and have one of the bosses tell me that I'm making them work slow. Hmm, well, I'm sorry for getting sick from the heat earlier in the day and had to throw up twice. So, it's expected that I am a little slow. But other than that, I'm not sorry for anything else. :D 

Hard work? Yes it was. But that is fine by me because I won't be working for them when I find a better job next year. Lol Man, if I struggled with just making smoothies, it must be horrible for my parents. My Dad is in the kitchen all day, and my Mom takes orders and serves. Though they work  indoors, they still have to put up with the immature sh*t that their co-workers give them. Though they are not working under the beating sun, they have to handle plates and dishes that are 10 times heavier than the plastic smoothie cups that I served to people. All 3 of us are standing for at least 10 hours straight. Yes, my parents work a lot harder than I do...I shouldn't be complaining. I guess no matter where you work at, who you work for, or who you work with, there will always be a few of those assholes trying to find flaws in you. On the flip-side, there are sweethearts that look out for you too. For me, I had 3 of my friends there and my cousin to care for me. For my parents, I guess they just have each other. I love my parents. 

August 5th, 2011

I'm listening to the clock go tick-tock. I count the ticks and tocks...as each second brings me closer to seeing my love. Today my love took me to this wonderful park near the lake. We had an awesome day picnicking outside and strolling through the stained glass museum. (: Every time that I spend my day with him, I feel revived and saved from the evils in my life. He's the reason I smile so sweetly. 

The 4th of July Tradition...

Some call it a party, others call it a moment to honor America's pride. I call it a tradition. Every 4th of July, my sister and I throw an extremely hectic party. Over time, each party has become more successful than the last one. To me, this is not just a party, this is a tradition that involves a madness. The madness starts 3 days before 7/4...In those 3 days, we clean the house, plan the food recipes, calculate our budget, clean the house some more, and prepare the food overnight. On the day of the party, I wake up early and work in the kitchen all. damn. day. Haha (: Even though I am drained of my energy by the end of the night after all of the fireworks have been lit and the crowd has departed, I feel that sweet tingling feeling inside of me, a whisper in my head that says, "We will do it all again next year."

I enjoy this tradition, this madness, and the birth of our country: the United States of America. <3
Last night, I had the greatest time in a while. I loved that I had Alejandro and his sister, and my sister by my side, supporting me throughout the entire day. Seeing people that are so close to me helping me makes me smile inside. It doesn't matter how much work there is to do, or how tiring it is, I love hosting parties because I love to see others enjoy and have a good time. They said that the fruit tarts, cheesecakes, lemon cheesecakes, sushi, and chicken/veggie skewers were wonderful. (: I guess I am awesome with my cooking skills...But without the help from Kevin, Jimmy, Christine, Winnie, Sophia, Alejandro, and Stephanie, I would not have been able to host the party. Seriously. XD I hope that all of the 4th of July's in the future will be as fantastic as this year's, if not better. I love love love Alejandro <3 <3 <3 <3

** Woke up at 4:30A.M. on July 5, 2011 because my legs were soooooo sore from all of the standing and working from July 4, 2011. Yeah, I worked hard...and it paid off! ;] 

Waiting for the Lemon Tree

It has been 130 hours and 58 minutes since I have started waiting. I know that I have 246 hours and 2 minutes of waiting left. I'm waiting for a Lemon Tree to grow in my life again. I hate waiting, but I keep on waiting just to see the shadow of the tree once more. I wait. And I wait, and wait, and wait...until we grow too old and cannot wait anymore--until we have turned into stone.
People wait. Time waits. The future waits. And our graves wait. Mothers wait for their children to step into the house from school. Lovers wait for the day of their marriage. A cancer patient stares out the window and into the heavenly skies of their death. The new agent of American Family Insurance company waits impatiently for the elevator to reach the 13th floor. Lucy waits at the retirement home for her daughter to visit her since October 12, 2001 at 8:00AM. Then, there is me that is waiting for the Lemon Tree.
While waiting, we think of what we could be. We picture ourselves in our happiest moments and take the irritating life of waiting as it is. We bond with the ones that want us, we live the hours of life getting used to the absence of the one we wait for, we no longer realize that something is missing, and we move on to our dreams. We stop counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years until the end. We stop caring, noticing, and hoping. We find new goals and new things to wait for. Is this what boredom does? It makes us careless does it not? I think so. But was it our decision? If I could choose, I would not have chosen to wait for the Lemon Tree. I would demand it to be here now. I would never wait. But we always wait until we cannot wait any longer.

Thieves

As if my life doesn't suck enough already. And as if yours didn't either...thieves have to contribute to our aggression. Today was not a good day, and nor was yesterday and the day before yesterday. Actually, ever since I started receiving anonymous notes, life was never good anymore. Well, thieves just aggravate me even more. To rob people at night is one thing, but to do it during the day in front of EVERYONE, THAT MY FRIEND IS RIDICULOUS!

NO, I AM NOT OVERREACTING AND NO, I AM NOT FINISHED WITH TYPING IN CAPS LOCK. YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM SO ENRAGED FROM ALL OF THE PAST EXPERIENCES AND THE THEFT SITUATION I HEARD FROM MY AUNT TODAY, I THINK I WILL VERY WELL TYPE THIS ENTIRE ENTRY IN CAPS LOCK. Okay, maybe not since it is distracting. But yes, I hope that whoever reads this entry can sense my overwhelming amount of hate towards thieves.

It is sad to know that a society that used to be different is now falling and crumbling into thievery. Why would you rob someone that is equally poor as you? Why would you threaten someone's life for money? I don't know why someone would do such a thing. People say that thieves are low-life's, that's why they don't know any better. That may be true, however I do not want people to use that as an excuse for their criminal crime. I really don't have much to say to explain why people do such horrible things. Maybe I do, and it is just plain mean and disrespectful. But this is how I see it: thieves lack love, they want attention, and they are narrow minded people that think they have the hardest lives out there. I'm sorry, but thieves really do not have the hardest lives...they just need to learn how to get over themselves and understand that society doesn't own them a damn thing.

When It's All Over...

Rumor has it that sometime in December of 2012, the world will come to an end...Well, nothing ever is for certain, but let's just say that it is definite that everyone and everything will spontaneously combust into...fairy dust in 2012 (yeah, I'll leave out the gory details of death). (: So, if everything flashes once more before your eyes right at the split second of death, what is the ONE (or TWO) things that you will fight to live for? What are some things that you just cannot let go?
At first, I thought about just hanging onto one thing...but as I looked around me, I realized that there are other things/people/memories that I cannot let go of. Memories from eight years ago can bring tears to my eyes;and they were joyful memories too.

2/3/2011

Happy Chinese New Year! Well, it's the day after Chicago's 2/3/2011, 2011 Snow Apocalypse! And...I survived! For the first time in history, CPS called TWO SNOW DAYS in a row...so that is definitely a sign that serious sh*t is going down outside my doors. Haha, well, we made use of this overload of snow supply by making a snowman in the middle of Chinatown Square! It was the first snowman that I ever made and I find it to be beautiful. :)
Unfortunately, ignorant creatures exist in our world. As a result, two hours after my baby snowman was created, his head was knocked off. Oh well, they can pound it all down, I will fix it back up. :) Anyway, good snowapocalypse!

List 1

Tea
Hot Cocoa
Coffee
Bread
Peanut Butter
Jam
Pillows
Blankets
TV
DVD Player
DVD(s)
Laptop
Lamp
Piano
Sheet Music
Sweater
Hat
Coat
Gloves
Boots
Socks
Scarf
Noodles
Soup
Cupcakes
Cookies
Frosting

-Ahem-

- AHEM -
May I have your attention please...Today, is one of those most memorable days of all. For one thing, Chicago Public Schools have their FIRST SNOW DAY in 12497824593434566545364946273827 years!!! Secondly, this blizzard in Chicago is one of the strongest since the 1970's! Last night, (2/1/2011 @ 8 -9 PM), it was THUNDERSNOWING! Thundersnow is extremely rare because it is caused by warm and cold air colliding together...but usually when it snows, the ground temperature is never warm enough to create a thundersnow/thunderstorm!
As I am sitting near my window at 9:41 AM on a Wednesday (2/2/2011), I see countless numbers of snowflakes being carried across the sky. Cars and the road are buried under the thick layer of white angel dust. If this is how the world will end, I have nothing to say but to stay in awe. This snow, this harsh blizzard satisfies everything. It is the most beautiful scenery I have seen in a long time. Not a single soul is out in the streets--this is how it should be. How peaceful it is, the weather really knows how to give EVERYONE a break. (: Right about now, I think I am blinded by snow more so than by love. (: Bring the snow on! (Don't stop until I tell you to... ;])

"...Maybe I can wash it all away."

"Let's take a walk along the damn river...jump in and go for a swim. Maybe I can wash it all away."


Remorse and Love. Do these two terms go hand in hand? Do I have to apologize for showing my love and affection towards someone, something, or nothing at all? I don't understand the problem. Is there even a problem? They think it's a joke. They think it's not real. Everything is just a lie, is it not? Well, it isn't. I did not lie about it. I know what I was doing, and I know the reason is right. How can someone understand something that they do not know. We are close, but we are not one. We have different judgments, but can you not let it go? Can you not let me go? What is so wrong? I want to take it all back. I want to wash it all away. But that is just a thought, because I do not live to be regretful. I am sorry for anything, but I regret nothing. Please understand. If not, then I guess...tough luck, the world is fucked.  

Guilt.

I am an ordinary person, an ordinary girl. Life gets hard, and gives me shit. Then, there are days when I get difficult and screw up another person's day. And you know what's the worse part? I don't care if I screwed up a stranger's day...I really don't. But it hurts when I tell something horrible to someone that I care so much about. Really, it is an odd feeling. I have been hiding it, but I don't know where it comes from. There's a moment of relief when I let it all out, but I learn to regret it. It is not easy to be honest. But I did it...I am honest now...too bad that it does not fix a damn thing. It does not straighten me up. It does not tell me what to do. It just worries me more and more. This is like a scab that I itch to pick, but every time when I do, it just bleeds and bleeds. I screwed up. I always screw up.

Finals

It's the end of the semester...the end of my grades. This week has been crazy busy and intense for me (and everyone else that has finals). Every year, this is my most favorite and most hated week of the year. There's an inexplainable type of excitement and fear mixed in my feelings. Well, I can explain where the fear comes from (failing grades), but excitement? I really don't know.
I feel as if the older I get, the less intellectual I become. Maybe it is because my brain is somewhere else...Maybe I don't think about books anymore. Too much for me to handle? But that's okay. Even if it is too much, I have a clean slate now. There are things in life where you do not have second chances. And even if you did, it is not like how things started out as. Grades are different. The end of one semester is different. It is a gift, a  "pure" second chance that life hands to you. I guess that is why final's week is my favorite.

Reason 1

Mmmm, I feel like talking about my boyfriend right now. Well, we're pretty ordinary people if you want to look at us simply. But, beneath that simplicity, I see a long history and mixed feelings. Haha, mixed feelings. To be honest, on some days I question exactly how much do I like Alex? I always feel like I could do better, like him more...Or at least be sure of why or how much I like him. I can't, for some odd reason, I just can't put my finger on one solid answer.
Now, it kind of sounds like I don't like Alex THAT much...(hahaha, that's what I wonder too), but it's not what it seems. I like him a lot, in fact, I think I love him (ya think?? Waddya mean?...idk get outta here if you're not Alex). There are so many memories that involve Alex, and it would be horrible if I had to re-live those moments again, but alone. That would really hurt...it would almost be like, "Hey, you little douche, remember that great friend, that great bf that you had when you guys came here on that day to....? Yeah, him, where'd he go?" XD
Without Alex, my life would bore me to death. I cannot imagine not texting him for...a week @_@ That just seems impossible to do. And, I think because I was so angry, I would have broken my toilet seat off of my toilet today if I didn't talk to Alex. You see, Alex has the magical ability to calm me down when I'm like a mad woman...I guess that's one reason why I love him so much. <3

A New Year, A New Plan.

I don't like to call my new year's goals "resolutions." I never make up these "resolutions" on the first day of the new year...simply because I have no idea how the year is going to unfold. Making up the rules or plans as I go is how I do it. Like some others out there, I like to plan. I plan as I go. I go as I plan. I plan then I follow. I don't follow my plans. Then, I find a new plan to plan. Plans are like boyfriends or girlfriends if you'd like to think of it that way. Once you grow out of it (grow out of each other's love), you find a new one to mend with (find someone else to share your days with).
Everything takes getting used to. Bf/Gf, or plans, or moving to a new place, it all takes getting used to. It takes time to know and love or appreciate all of that. Following new plans takes even more time to get used to. Most of the time, I fail to get over the fact that I HAVE to change myself...change my schedule...and ways of seeing things, and that's why I give up on it.
Well, I don't have much in mind for this year...(at least in my opinion). And I don't know if it's too late to state my "resolutions," but here's a short list:
1. Have at least a GPA of 4.5
2. Read at least 1 book in two weeks
3. Practice the piano at least
4. Sleep earlier
5. Keep a boyfriend for at least 1 year