Reason 2

It's a depressing night...but life goes on. If you guys can recall, last year, I wrote a blog called "Reason 1"...but then, I never wrote a "Reason 2" blog. LOL

A year ago, I was all jolly about having a boyfriend and wrote a blog about him every other month. Crazy, I know. Recently, those happy posts have slowed down quite a bit. XD But you see, though my relationship isn't necessarily perfect right now, I still love him. I know I question his love at times, but I know that no other boy can love me better than he does. When I see him, I find a certain type of comfort that I can't find anywhere else. It's those warm feelings that catch me by surprise at times that keep me loving him. I have no idea why I get those feelings, but it's definitely my heart aching to love him when my mind is rooting to give up. Tough love, isn't it? But it works.

Letter to K

Hey K,

       I remember the first time I ever wrote a letter to you was in 4th grade, when we met on the playground. We became "pen pals" for a while, haha...then of course we grew out of that. But, guess what, this letter's for you...brings back those childhood memories doesn't it? Well, just 24 hours ago, we were on the phone crying together and even planned to meet up next Sunday. Remember? I naively thought you'd pull through because of your tough nature. I can't exactly agree with the decision you made tonight, but I'm proud of you because you proved to be the toughest of us all. Anyone can say that they've been in love before and had their heart broken, but not everyone can say they died for love. My precious K, where are you now? We're all crying for you to come back. You know, you didn't have to leave us all. We could have gone to Starbuck's next Sunday, watch the Hunger Games, and grab ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Baskin Robbins was our favorite ice cream place, remember? 

        K, I hope that you're no longer crying anymore. Your tears are too precious to be shed for someone that's worth less than dirt. Just know that your family loved you more than anything, I treasured every moment spent with you, it breaks our hearts to know that we never got our last chance to see you, and your disappearance from this life with haunt him forever. Good job K, we love you forever. 

With love, 

Loren 

Enough.

        I don't know how I should feel or what to think. I don't know who to talk to in my quest to seek the answers that I'm looking for. Things have settled this way for too long that it seems as if nothing is wrong. But for some reason it doesn't feel all that right either. Let it be that we all live in a cycle that repeats itself every so often, but sadness should come and go. Sadness only greets me and never bids farewell. Depression finds a new home in the cavity of my heart and takes over. The sunshine can't shine through my heavy blinds and the warmth outside can't seep through the walls of my house and reach me.
        The one thing that I wish for, of course it would be the only thing that I cannot get. Maybe I'm too selfish and fail to see the other side of this situation. Maybe I've had enough that I'm finally broken now and can't be fixed. If this is me hitting rock bottom because of love, then let it be gone. I don't want to live in fear of losing someone I care for, in suspicion, and in these tears that come along too often. I hate how I've become, overly worried, and clingy. Reminiscing about our past breaks my heart. Four months. Four months since I've started  to fall and fall and fall effortlessly into this dark hole dug so deep under the layers of happiness. I learned that love cannot be shared. And if it is, then it's no longer pure.

...

Mad. Because I cannot figure someone out. Mad. Because I lost the feeling. Mad. Because things are different now. I have a feeling that I am losing myself, my mind...as if I'm over thinking something that was meant to be simple. If I fall too hard, no one is to be blamed except for me. Forever silly, that's who I am.

Life in Rewind

August 7th, 2011

I woke up. Ate some breakfast. Found that my golden koi was dead. Oh well. All things come to an end. 

August 6th, 2011

OMG! I get to work at Lolla! That means I get to listen to the artists for free! -Happy Dance- ...Yeah, well, I also have to be under the sun for at least 6 hours...get fruit juice splashed on me, and have one of the bosses tell me that I'm making them work slow. Hmm, well, I'm sorry for getting sick from the heat earlier in the day and had to throw up twice. So, it's expected that I am a little slow. But other than that, I'm not sorry for anything else. :D 

Hard work? Yes it was. But that is fine by me because I won't be working for them when I find a better job next year. Lol Man, if I struggled with just making smoothies, it must be horrible for my parents. My Dad is in the kitchen all day, and my Mom takes orders and serves. Though they work  indoors, they still have to put up with the immature sh*t that their co-workers give them. Though they are not working under the beating sun, they have to handle plates and dishes that are 10 times heavier than the plastic smoothie cups that I served to people. All 3 of us are standing for at least 10 hours straight. Yes, my parents work a lot harder than I do...I shouldn't be complaining. I guess no matter where you work at, who you work for, or who you work with, there will always be a few of those assholes trying to find flaws in you. On the flip-side, there are sweethearts that look out for you too. For me, I had 3 of my friends there and my cousin to care for me. For my parents, I guess they just have each other. I love my parents. 

August 5th, 2011

I'm listening to the clock go tick-tock. I count the ticks and tocks...as each second brings me closer to seeing my love. Today my love took me to this wonderful park near the lake. We had an awesome day picnicking outside and strolling through the stained glass museum. (: Every time that I spend my day with him, I feel revived and saved from the evils in my life. He's the reason I smile so sweetly. 

The 4th of July Tradition...

Some call it a party, others call it a moment to honor America's pride. I call it a tradition. Every 4th of July, my sister and I throw an extremely hectic party. Over time, each party has become more successful than the last one. To me, this is not just a party, this is a tradition that involves a madness. The madness starts 3 days before 7/4...In those 3 days, we clean the house, plan the food recipes, calculate our budget, clean the house some more, and prepare the food overnight. On the day of the party, I wake up early and work in the kitchen all. damn. day. Haha (: Even though I am drained of my energy by the end of the night after all of the fireworks have been lit and the crowd has departed, I feel that sweet tingling feeling inside of me, a whisper in my head that says, "We will do it all again next year."

I enjoy this tradition, this madness, and the birth of our country: the United States of America. <3
Last night, I had the greatest time in a while. I loved that I had Alejandro and his sister, and my sister by my side, supporting me throughout the entire day. Seeing people that are so close to me helping me makes me smile inside. It doesn't matter how much work there is to do, or how tiring it is, I love hosting parties because I love to see others enjoy and have a good time. They said that the fruit tarts, cheesecakes, lemon cheesecakes, sushi, and chicken/veggie skewers were wonderful. (: I guess I am awesome with my cooking skills...But without the help from Kevin, Jimmy, Christine, Winnie, Sophia, Alejandro, and Stephanie, I would not have been able to host the party. Seriously. XD I hope that all of the 4th of July's in the future will be as fantastic as this year's, if not better. I love love love Alejandro <3 <3 <3 <3

** Woke up at 4:30A.M. on July 5, 2011 because my legs were soooooo sore from all of the standing and working from July 4, 2011. Yeah, I worked hard...and it paid off! ;] 

Waiting for the Lemon Tree

It has been 130 hours and 58 minutes since I have started waiting. I know that I have 246 hours and 2 minutes of waiting left. I'm waiting for a Lemon Tree to grow in my life again. I hate waiting, but I keep on waiting just to see the shadow of the tree once more. I wait. And I wait, and wait, and wait...until we grow too old and cannot wait anymore--until we have turned into stone.
People wait. Time waits. The future waits. And our graves wait. Mothers wait for their children to step into the house from school. Lovers wait for the day of their marriage. A cancer patient stares out the window and into the heavenly skies of their death. The new agent of American Family Insurance company waits impatiently for the elevator to reach the 13th floor. Lucy waits at the retirement home for her daughter to visit her since October 12, 2001 at 8:00AM. Then, there is me that is waiting for the Lemon Tree.
While waiting, we think of what we could be. We picture ourselves in our happiest moments and take the irritating life of waiting as it is. We bond with the ones that want us, we live the hours of life getting used to the absence of the one we wait for, we no longer realize that something is missing, and we move on to our dreams. We stop counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, and years until the end. We stop caring, noticing, and hoping. We find new goals and new things to wait for. Is this what boredom does? It makes us careless does it not? I think so. But was it our decision? If I could choose, I would not have chosen to wait for the Lemon Tree. I would demand it to be here now. I would never wait. But we always wait until we cannot wait any longer.